The Impassable Test

WHAT ARE TESTING BEHAVIORS IN A RELATIONSHIP?

Testing a partner usually involves a series of not-so-flattering behaviors, carried out consciously or unconsciously, in a counterproductive attempt to establish safety in a relationship. These might include treating someone in a way you wouldn’t want to be treated just to see what they’ll tolerate, gauging how much influence you have over them, or acting erratically or inconsistently.

If you search for the explanation of testing behaviors on the internet, Google and way too many TikTok therapists will inform you that its just Narcissists and abusers who test their partners. But it turns out, most of us perform tests and display these protective behaviors, especially early on in our relationships. Testing isn’t malicious most of the time. Instead, these wacky little saboteurs are indirect ways of asking questions we’re afraid to voice outright:

Will you still be here if I mess up a little?
Can you handle me at my worst?
Can I trust you?

ARE THEY THAT BAD, THOUGH?

What we do know is that testing can be toxic—and a very effective way to erode a growing connection. For someone who fears vulnerability or struggles with attachment insecurity, testing can feel like the safer bet: I’ll test you, and if you fail, I get to leave! Ha! I didn’t want you anyway!! This behavior comes from a very young, childlike part of us that can’t tolerate rejection or differentiation.

What that anxious part doesn’t know is this: testing doesn’t work. More often than not, testing drains safety and trust from the very people we’re trying to connect with. Once others pull away, the tester is left feeling ashamed—having spent plenty of time scrutinizing their partner’s behavior and almost no time reflecting on how they want to show up in a relationship. To the person being tested, it often feels like the tester isn’t truly interested anyway, making walking away the most logical choice.

If you are a person wired to seek approval from a disapproving tester, buckle up honey, you are in for a RIDE. Even for those truly determined to hang on for the emotional rodeo, a true tester is never satisfied. This part is important: a true tester will never be satisfied. Why? Because once someone sticks around, new fears emerge:
Why would this person want to be with me?
All I’ve done is test them.
Do they really see me in all my fearful smallness?
OMG, they don’t even know me.
OMG, what if they find out who I really am?

Cue the real mistrust. Resentment builds between tester and testee and the tests become harder and harder until someone finally lets go of the reins and goes careening off the ride. Despite how emotionally intense these relationships can feel, they rarely foster deep intimacy or trust. And while they may start unstable, their endings can be even more unsettling—sometimes outright abusive.

GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.

Let’s look at two scenarios to see how testing might play out.

Scenario 1:

Sadie has been told she’s “too much” by exes. She just started dating Allison, but already worries Allison won’t support her when she really needs it. Sadie has a history of having her needs dismissed.

At dinner, Sadie tells Allison a story about a mutual friend who betrayed her. She cries while recounting how this friend talked behind her back and emphasizes how important trust is in relationships—without naming her specific needs, expectations, or how she builds trust.

Later that night, Sadie checks Allison’s social media. Allison is still friends with the betrayer. Uh-oh.

Wanting to beat Allison to the punch, Sadie decides this means Allison can’t be trusted. The next day, when Allison doesn’t call, Sadie texts. When Allison doesn’t respond within an hour, Sadie blocks her. Case closed. Sadie concludes Allison “chose sides,” confirming why it didn’t work out.

Sadie longs to have a partner who will accept her, but pushes people away for fear of being abandoned. 

Scenario 2:

Bob tests women by negging them—offering backhanded compliments or thinly veiled insults disguised as jokes. It’s a defensive maneuver that lets him dodge responsibility for emotional impact. “I was joking” is Bob’s favorite shield. Works every time.

When women lose interest, Bob tells himself, They weren’t right for me. I need to be me—unfiltered, baby.
Deep down, Bob is tender-hearted and craves intimacy with someone who will accept him as flawed. He masks insecurity and rejection sensitivity with confidence and a mildly confrontational tone.

Then Bob meets Mary. Mary genuinely likes him and tolerates the testing—at first. Encouraged, Bob ramps it up. When Mary finally tells him she enjoys his company but feels hurt and confused by how he speaks to her, Bob doesn’t quite know what to do with that.

If Mary reacts emotionally, she’s “too sensitive.” If she laughs it off, she betrays herself and grows resentful. Either way, she loses.

Sadie’s and Bob’s partners are both being tested. They feel pressure to perform, fix, or say the right thing—without knowing what the rules are. Eventually, both Allison and Mary decide it’s easier to walk away.

What might have happened if Sadie and Bob had communicated their fears and needs upfront, instead of running a confusing game of Guess Who I Need You to Be?

HOW TO DEFEAT THE TESTER IN YOU

The first step toward change is acknowledging the behavior—and meeting it with self-compassion.

“Hi, my name is Jane, and I’m a tester.”

Insight (Why do I do this?) is helpful, but an even better question is: What can I do differently?

1. GET CURIOUS.

Get curious about why you suddenly feel the need to ignore that person you just had an amazing date with. Do you believe they are supposed to text you first? Well, who the hell taught you that? Who says you can’t text first? What meaning are you placing on the order or frequency of texts? Did anyone communicate a boundary or desire or need around texting yet?

I like to give this voice a New York accent and pretend she’s my no-nonsense aunt who says things like; “What do YOU want kiddo? Who the fuck cares what any of these people think?”

2. FIGURE OUT THE NEED.

Maybe something you’ve figured out about yourself is that you would like your partner to show affection on a daily basis. This seems like a reasonable request. Have you communicated that to your partner? No, why not? What do YOU want kiddo?

Afraid of rejection? Fair. But is it really so terrible to be rejected by someone unwilling or unable to meet a reasonable need?

3. COMMUNICATE YOUR NEED

Terrifying, right? Is this your biggest nightmare? As a recovering people-pleaser who still cringes at asking for things, I get it. I rehearse conversations with my dog. He’s perfect. He’d do anything for me. Excellent scene partner.

“Hey Julie, I’ve been thinking about how often we check in. I’d love to touch base every other day—it would help me feel safe. What do you think?”

“Hey Jane, absolutely not. I’m wildly busy, and what if I drop my phone in the ocean and it takes 72 hours to find an Apple Store? This feels like a trap.”

“Okay, fair enough. I think I’ll head in a different direction.”

Before communicating, check in with your body. Are you regulated? When emotions flood us, our logical brain goes offline. Ground yourself before expressing your precious needs.

4. WATCH FOR GREEN FLAGS

Now is the easy part. You get to sit back and observe. My favorite lesson in relationships is Actions Speak Louder Than Words, or, Your Words Ain’t Shit… Yet. You choose the mantra, but I recommend you get it tattooed on your forehead.

Words are easy, but actions require thought, emotional effort, and energy to execute! There is no greater turn on in the entire world than a human being whose actions match their words. No? Just me? Because THAT is actually how trust is built. So look for that. Observe it. Don’t judge it too harshly if someone isn’t perfect at it because we are flawed humans and we forget and we make mistakes. Be patient and let them show you! Most people want to meet your realistic expectations.

5. PRACTICE MAKES BETTER!

You’re cured!!

Ok, not exactly. But with practice—and the right people—you’ll gather evidence that others can respect your needs and try to meet them. Yay, cool! Proof! Even if someone doesn't completely meet ALL of your needs, just seeing the effort is usually enough for most people. NONE of us actually want a perfect person. Perfect people are boring. We just want to trust that we matter to the people who matter to us.

Testing is always a pushing away behavior, disconnecting and disengaging us from true intimacy. We test often, but it remains ineffective at creating safety within us or in our relationships. We can’t control how others act, we can only control how we choose to show up in our relationships. The only way to beat the urge to test is to lean into self-compassion, curiosity, and vulnerability.

Happy Dating!